Sex & Love Addiction: HUMANISTIC AND EXISTENTIAL APPROACHES TO TREATMENT
The degree to which we are responsible for our own feelings and behaviors,
if at all, has been a matter of considerable theoretical dispute. Personal responsibility for experience and behavior plays only a minor role in psychodynamic theory.
Psychoanalysts tend to hold the past more responsible for the present.
Radical behaviorists similarly minimize the role of personal responsibility.
Although they are less inclined to view the past as the molder of current
behavior and attitudes, they hold the present environment (rather than the
individual) responsible. "A person does not act upon the world," B. F.
Skinner writes, "the world acts upon him" (Skinner, 1971, p. 271).
Existential psychologists take strong exception to both the orthodox psychoanalytic
views and the behavioral ones. They find a strong role for responsibility
in both normal and abnormal personality.
Responsibility, Language, and Avoidance
Existential psychologists generally pay careful attention to language; they
are especially sensitive to the use of such words as "can't" and "it." People
often say, "I just can't study" or "I can't get up in the morning," implying
that the behavior is somehow removed from their control, What they really
mean is, "I won't do it." They bury an act over which they have control beneath
the appearance of disability. Young children who break something
are inclined to say, "it broke," not "I broke it." Similarly, for adults to say
that "something happened" or "it happened" is to imply that one is passively
influenced by a capricious world. In short, they do not want to be held
responsible. Generally, the use of the passive rather than the active voice,
the avoidance of first person pronouns, as well as the attributions of the
causes of current events to historical sources (i.e., my upbringing, my parents,
the things I did as a child), are seen as signs of responsibility avoidance.
Responsibility avoidance is occasionally achieved by losing control. More
accurately, it is achieved by appearing to lose control, by seeming to go out
of one's mind, by making it appear that forbidden actions were taken because
one was drunk or crazy. But behavior that is "out of control" is never
really so. Otherwise, it could hardly be so purposive. For what is remarkable
about "crazy" anger is the accuracy with which it is targeted: the blows fall,
not on any random person, but precisely on the person toward whom the
anger was experienced.
Robert, age twenty-two, had just had an enormous fight with his father, and he
Was still furious. He went to his room and drank heavily. Inflamed, he took his
Bottle and went out for a drive-not in his own car, but in his father's sports car.
At the end of the driveway, he turned too hard and accidentally dented the car's
fender on a large oak tree.
Sara had been married for many years to a brutal and insensitive man who,
without notice, one day asked for a divorce. She went"crazy." She followed him
around town, repeatedly vandalized his apartment, and created wild scenes while
he was dining with friends in a restaurant. Her crazy behavior defeated him. At
first, he sought police protection, then he required emergency psychiatric hospitalization.
Once he was hospitalized, she suddenly "regained her sanity."
(Adapted from Yalom, 1980).
Because people can see themselves as responsible for their experiences
and because they can plan for the future as well as live in the present, they
are capable of will, which is a further theme in existential psychology.
WILLING
The capacity to will is as central a feature of existential views as are freedom
and responsibility. Yet, despite its centrality, will is difficult to define unambiguously.
Will is used psychologically in at least two senses. First, there
is will as in willpower: the will of gritted teeth, clenched jaw, and tensed
muscle. This is exhortative will. It can be useful at times, as when we force
ourselves to work when we would rather play.
A second and more significant kind of will is associated with future goals.
It is called goal-directed will. Much as memory is the organ of the past,
goal-directed will has been called "the organ of the future" (Arendt, 1978).
It is Quite different from exhortative will, for it develops out of hope, expectation,
and competence. Unlike exhortative will, it is not urged upon us but
is rather a freely chosen arousal in the service of a future that is willingly
embraced. This kind of will cannot be created: it can only be unleashed or
disinhibited.
Susan was bright enough to do well in college but nevertheless was having a
struggle. It was difficult for her to get up in the morning, difficult to crack the
books, and difficult to put away the temptations that deflected her from achievement.
She had no sense of what she wanted to study in college and, therefore, little
motivation to work in her courses. After her midyear grades were posted, she went
to the counseling center to "try to get myself down to work." During several
counseling sessions, she realized that although she had plenty of intelligence, she
lacked confidence in her ability to do well in college and, as a result, found it difficult
to commit herself to any career. She had had a difficult start in the primary
grades, and those bruises had remained with her. During one significant counseling
session, she realized that grade school was far behind her and that, moreover.
she had achieved a good deal since those experiences. Nearly simultaneously, a
long-buried desire surfaced: to be a doctor.
At the next session, she reported that "her life had come together during the
past week." No longer did she find it difficult to get up in the morning or to resist
going to the movies. It was easy to study now, and indeed, she bounded out of bed
and headed for the books effortlessly. "Now that I know what I want to do, everything
else has fallen into place. I no longer have to force myself."
WILLING AND WISHING
As seen in the above case, goal-directed will arises from the capacity to wish
(May, 1969). Wishes are quite specific. We do not wish for a career, but
rather we wish to be a doctor. Unless we are starving, we do not wish for
food, but rather for a steak or a hamburger. Willing is nourished by wishing,
and in turn will provide the motor power that may ultimately gratify the
wish.
Disorders of will are found among people who know what they should do,
what they ought to do, and what they must do, but who have no notion of
what they want to do. Lacking that knowledge of what they want, their goals
seem apparently lusterless, and movement toward them is correspondingly
difficult. People may fail to know what they want for three reasons. First,
they may simply fear wanting. Wanting makes them vulnerable to failure
and hurt, and that is especially difficult for those who wish to appear strong.
Second, they may fail to know what they want because they fear rejection.
They long ago learned that if their wishes departed from those of their
friends or family, their wishes would infuriate and drive others away. Finally,
they may fail to know what they wish because they want others, magically,
to discover their silent wishes and fulfill them.
Most graduate students complete a dissertation before receiving their doctoral
degree, and the dissertation is often viewed by them as a significant hurdle in their
graduate career. For some, however, that final hurdle is insurmountable. Such
seemed to be the case for Cathy. She had done well until that point. Her course
grades were excellent, and the research that she had completed while in graduate
school had been quite interesting. But somehow she found it difficult to get down
to the dissertation. In fact, she had begun three separate studies and had dropped
each of them for no particular reason other than that she had lost interest. The fact
of the matter was that she viewed the dissertation as a major undertaking, much
bigger than anything she had undertaken before, and much beyond her abilities.
Her fear of being criticized by her teachers or, worse, of failing her oral examination
prevented her from finding a study that she really wanted to do.
For existential and humanistic psychologists, then, goal-directed willing
is more than just forcing one self to do something (exhortative will). Rather,
it is going through the pain and risk of finding what one really wants and then doing it.
if at all, has been a matter of considerable theoretical dispute. Personal responsibility for experience and behavior plays only a minor role in psychodynamic theory.
Psychoanalysts tend to hold the past more responsible for the present.
Radical behaviorists similarly minimize the role of personal responsibility.
Although they are less inclined to view the past as the molder of current
behavior and attitudes, they hold the present environment (rather than the
individual) responsible. "A person does not act upon the world," B. F.
Skinner writes, "the world acts upon him" (Skinner, 1971, p. 271).
Existential psychologists take strong exception to both the orthodox psychoanalytic
views and the behavioral ones. They find a strong role for responsibility
in both normal and abnormal personality.
Responsibility, Language, and Avoidance
Existential psychologists generally pay careful attention to language; they
are especially sensitive to the use of such words as "can't" and "it." People
often say, "I just can't study" or "I can't get up in the morning," implying
that the behavior is somehow removed from their control, What they really
mean is, "I won't do it." They bury an act over which they have control beneath
the appearance of disability. Young children who break something
are inclined to say, "it broke," not "I broke it." Similarly, for adults to say
that "something happened" or "it happened" is to imply that one is passively
influenced by a capricious world. In short, they do not want to be held
responsible. Generally, the use of the passive rather than the active voice,
the avoidance of first person pronouns, as well as the attributions of the
causes of current events to historical sources (i.e., my upbringing, my parents,
the things I did as a child), are seen as signs of responsibility avoidance.
Responsibility avoidance is occasionally achieved by losing control. More
accurately, it is achieved by appearing to lose control, by seeming to go out
of one's mind, by making it appear that forbidden actions were taken because
one was drunk or crazy. But behavior that is "out of control" is never
really so. Otherwise, it could hardly be so purposive. For what is remarkable
about "crazy" anger is the accuracy with which it is targeted: the blows fall,
not on any random person, but precisely on the person toward whom the
anger was experienced.
Robert, age twenty-two, had just had an enormous fight with his father, and he
Was still furious. He went to his room and drank heavily. Inflamed, he took his
Bottle and went out for a drive-not in his own car, but in his father's sports car.
At the end of the driveway, he turned too hard and accidentally dented the car's
fender on a large oak tree.
Sara had been married for many years to a brutal and insensitive man who,
without notice, one day asked for a divorce. She went"crazy." She followed him
around town, repeatedly vandalized his apartment, and created wild scenes while
he was dining with friends in a restaurant. Her crazy behavior defeated him. At
first, he sought police protection, then he required emergency psychiatric hospitalization.
Once he was hospitalized, she suddenly "regained her sanity."
(Adapted from Yalom, 1980).
Because people can see themselves as responsible for their experiences
and because they can plan for the future as well as live in the present, they
are capable of will, which is a further theme in existential psychology.
WILLING
The capacity to will is as central a feature of existential views as are freedom
and responsibility. Yet, despite its centrality, will is difficult to define unambiguously.
Will is used psychologically in at least two senses. First, there
is will as in willpower: the will of gritted teeth, clenched jaw, and tensed
muscle. This is exhortative will. It can be useful at times, as when we force
ourselves to work when we would rather play.
A second and more significant kind of will is associated with future goals.
It is called goal-directed will. Much as memory is the organ of the past,
goal-directed will has been called "the organ of the future" (Arendt, 1978).
It is Quite different from exhortative will, for it develops out of hope, expectation,
and competence. Unlike exhortative will, it is not urged upon us but
is rather a freely chosen arousal in the service of a future that is willingly
embraced. This kind of will cannot be created: it can only be unleashed or
disinhibited.
Susan was bright enough to do well in college but nevertheless was having a
struggle. It was difficult for her to get up in the morning, difficult to crack the
books, and difficult to put away the temptations that deflected her from achievement.
She had no sense of what she wanted to study in college and, therefore, little
motivation to work in her courses. After her midyear grades were posted, she went
to the counseling center to "try to get myself down to work." During several
counseling sessions, she realized that although she had plenty of intelligence, she
lacked confidence in her ability to do well in college and, as a result, found it difficult
to commit herself to any career. She had had a difficult start in the primary
grades, and those bruises had remained with her. During one significant counseling
session, she realized that grade school was far behind her and that, moreover.
she had achieved a good deal since those experiences. Nearly simultaneously, a
long-buried desire surfaced: to be a doctor.
At the next session, she reported that "her life had come together during the
past week." No longer did she find it difficult to get up in the morning or to resist
going to the movies. It was easy to study now, and indeed, she bounded out of bed
and headed for the books effortlessly. "Now that I know what I want to do, everything
else has fallen into place. I no longer have to force myself."
WILLING AND WISHING
As seen in the above case, goal-directed will arises from the capacity to wish
(May, 1969). Wishes are quite specific. We do not wish for a career, but
rather we wish to be a doctor. Unless we are starving, we do not wish for
food, but rather for a steak or a hamburger. Willing is nourished by wishing,
and in turn will provide the motor power that may ultimately gratify the
wish.
Disorders of will are found among people who know what they should do,
what they ought to do, and what they must do, but who have no notion of
what they want to do. Lacking that knowledge of what they want, their goals
seem apparently lusterless, and movement toward them is correspondingly
difficult. People may fail to know what they want for three reasons. First,
they may simply fear wanting. Wanting makes them vulnerable to failure
and hurt, and that is especially difficult for those who wish to appear strong.
Second, they may fail to know what they want because they fear rejection.
They long ago learned that if their wishes departed from those of their
friends or family, their wishes would infuriate and drive others away. Finally,
they may fail to know what they wish because they want others, magically,
to discover their silent wishes and fulfill them.
Most graduate students complete a dissertation before receiving their doctoral
degree, and the dissertation is often viewed by them as a significant hurdle in their
graduate career. For some, however, that final hurdle is insurmountable. Such
seemed to be the case for Cathy. She had done well until that point. Her course
grades were excellent, and the research that she had completed while in graduate
school had been quite interesting. But somehow she found it difficult to get down
to the dissertation. In fact, she had begun three separate studies and had dropped
each of them for no particular reason other than that she had lost interest. The fact
of the matter was that she viewed the dissertation as a major undertaking, much
bigger than anything she had undertaken before, and much beyond her abilities.
Her fear of being criticized by her teachers or, worse, of failing her oral examination
prevented her from finding a study that she really wanted to do.
For existential and humanistic psychologists, then, goal-directed willing
is more than just forcing one self to do something (exhortative will). Rather,
it is going through the pain and risk of finding what one really wants and then doing it.
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